A Flash in the Timeline of my Biography.

If anything would encourage me to solidify my decision about retirement, it would be the sailing conditions I encountered since our departure from Honolulu a month ago. Though not as rough conditions when we left San Francisco in January but it was irritating anyway. After crossing the Equator we combated high winds and during the “Wog” ceremony, what appeared to be a rain squall in the distance turned out to be a rain storm with strong winds and soaring swells. As I was escorting the Pollywogs to their path to becoming a “Shellback” the rain that came down sideways pelted me as if I were being hit by a thousand pebbles catapulted by multiple slingshots. The ship battling the swells made it difficult to stand but we made it anyway.  Afterwards, I left my swimming trunks and t-shirt to dry out in the shower as I was the only shellback who was supposed to get wet but so did everyone else.

Contemplation about retirement has been on my mind quite a bit as of late. I told the ships commanding officer that I am seriously considering retirement after this season. I’ve said it before and it’s easy to say that the fun is gone or things are not like they used to be. Of course what was fun in my younger years may seem immature now as I approach the senior years. I was curious to why many of my older counterparts seem to have lost their sense of humor as I was coming up the ranks during my career. Now I am about their age with years of experience and it isn’t the humor that escaped them or me at the moment but rather that my physical and mental state was now apprehended by fatigue resulting from years of bombardment of bureaucratic nonsense. Naturally things are not going to be like the old days as time evolves. New ideas come with youth that join the workforce. Some of those concepts have been tried before that resulted in utter failure. Of course when you bring this up the answer always is “this time it will be different.” But this old geezer has been there and done that! I’ve seen it before and like a fortune teller who not need tarot cards or magic eight ball could tell truthfully its future.

But thinking and saying to all that I am going to retire is counting chickens before the eggs hatch. Suppose the financial advisor whom I am going to consult tells me that I am only going to get this many dollars after I retire and it was not enough to cover basic expenses? I plan to work but for the sake of sanity and keep the wheels of my brain moving, not for compulsory survival! So I don’t make a spectacle of my upcoming eligibility or daydream of sob stories from counterparts pleading to me not to retire that only inflates my decaying ego. So I need to focus on my work, because if I don’t retire, I do not want to give impression of having burned bridges with those whom I may see again in the future. The sailing community is a small community and many people who are in senior positions now; I came up through the ranks with them. The last two commanding officers I had on this ship I knew them when they were butter bar Ensigns and the previous CO; I attended her wetting down party in Juneau, Alaska when she made Lieutenant Junior Grade in 2002 when we were both on the Rainier! The current CO I met the same year when he too was butter bar Ensign. Of course I’ve sailed with them before in different capacity when I was a rotating tech and they were either operations or executive officers.

In five days we will be in Apia, Samoa. My stateroom looks like an export container with old clothes, food and items that we no longer need or use. Of course the shopping list kept growing but I had only twelve days back home and was in no mood to prepare for this trip. I just didn’t want to go, unlike previous years where I was enthusiastic and couldn’t wait.

When we had bought the townhouse last summer, I felt I wanted to settle and establish myself for a change. I traveled my entire life and had to move frequently to different states, countries, schools, jobs and homes! Just when we thought we could plant roots and live like a normal family, something would happen to where we had to move again. Sometimes I think the only way to really plant my roots is to be underground with my soul in limbo as my physical being turns to dust. I see people who I know on social media living in hometowns where they were born and raised, graduated from high school and went to work for a local company after college. Raise their kids and now talk about their grandkids all in one location! They tell me I am lucky that I get to see the world, but seeing the world isn’t a hobby but a component of my job! Whenever I get offered to ride cruise ships I cynically reply “I don’t pay to ride ships, I get paid to ride ships.”

But as I approach the twilight of my productive years I must admit I had some interesting tasks from the past. I would say that my experience would be equal to that of an astronaut. Why an astronaut when I have never come close to rendezvousing in space? Because I’ve done things that few people have just like astronauts. I worked in an Army biological research laboratory before it became known as “Weapons of Mass Destruction” and back then it was still science and not a national political football. Worked in research and development during the glory days of the American high tech industry in the infant stages of developing thin film disks of which the company I was at dropped out of the running as the Japanese juggernaut in the 80’s proved too much for short termed Americans. I had mundane jobs such as bench technicians troubleshooting analog circuitry then replacing components as well as temporary positions inspecting Air Force pilot trainers or building automated production machines that never left the compounds only to be paper weights or dust collectors.

My military experience range from working on different carrier based aircraft that no longer is part of the US arsenal and stationed at places that fade from Cold War memories such as Moffett Field and Naval Air Station Miramar that fill my resume. I spent my working time in famous Hangar One at Moffett or enjoyed the beautiful view of the San Francisco skyline while helping launch A6-E aircrafts at Alameda. Training time in Fallon, Nevada and finally retired from a P-3 squadron at Whidbey Island, Washington.

I’ve even tried being a salesman and an entrepreneur and discovered that I had not the skills to be either. Cut your losses and quit but it proved to be more of a dream that turned into a nightmare. I should have treated those Bill Gates autobiographies as entertainment rather than “me too” visions of glory and riches. Rarely those books mention the twenty hour workdays and struggle to find capital. All I ever accomplished was to alienate my children’s mother as well as my children and destroy the home we had built.

Too many farewells I’ve had to endure when I visited friends, acquaintances and relatives in far off places and not knowing when and if I will ever see them again. The most painful farewell is with my wife when its’ time to leave. My hellos never leave the suitcase and lately my home stays have been less than two weeks and its back to sea again. When we lived in Seattle “Leaving on a Jet Plane” was not a song but a fact of life! After that it was saying goodbyes to my aging father in the Bay Area of which I was lucky to have the last two dry docks. The stress of separation and the strain it causes are never calculated in the bottom lines of any business or decisions. Social costs are always neglected or hidden from view.

Perhaps that is the part that many people who are on land do not comprehend or once sailors stop sailing on ships they undoubtedly forget. When I started this blog, the name was just a pun. Recalling a title from a Paul Simon song, “Still Crazy After All These Years” and reading Ray Bradbury’s “The Martian Chronicles” in junior high school gave me the idea of “Chronicles of an Insane Sailor.” Behind that travelogue that was started years ago the philosophy of Yin and Yang rang true and was eventually exposed. I have vibrant memories of Saipan, Guam, Samoa, Nuku Hiva, Mexico and yes even Vallejo of a few months ago. But the peoples I became acquainted with was brief and even if I did return to those places it won’t be the same as we both have moved on with our lives. I am to them like they are to me, a flash in the timeline of my biography.

Good night from the South Pacific.